The final Father’s Day

This is my first Father’s Day without a father. He passed away three months ago, leaving a void so huge that could never be filled. He was far too big, too brave and too boisterous to be replaced.

Also, this is the last time I will observe the day, because it’s filled with too many conflicting emotions that swirl around in my head, challenging me to decide, once and for all, what it really means to me. It’s far too taxing emotionally and definitely not worth all the angst it conjures up. So I will attempt to lay these feelings to rest, one final time.

I spent the first sixteen years of my life, either in blissful ignorance of Father’s Day, avoiding it once I was aware, or pretending it didn’t matter. I would try not to think about all the cards and gifts everyone else was sending, the nice lunches families were attending, and the men they were celebrating. When my dad reappeared, I wasn’t quite sure how to navigate this new terrain, with its expectations of love, admiration and gratitude that should flow naturally from children to their fathers. I tried my best but it always felt awkward.

Now that he was back, wasn’t I supposed to feel love? Two years later, I moved to London to live with him. This was going to be the first time that we would be in the same house on the third Sunday of June—our first real Father’s Day. What would it be like? I never got to find out. Our brief cohabitation never made it past the second week of February. It would be our only chance.

The next fifteen Father’s Days were a familiar dance of ignoring, avoiding and pretending. I knew the steps well but my movement was never graceful.

A gradual reconciliation began in my mid-thirties, opening the way for polite, respectful, but tentative celebrations each year. This evolved into fully fledged forgiveness on my part that allowed me to completely acknowledge and appreciate my father’s role in my life. No matter what had happened, he gave me my life and I would be forever grateful.

The last thirty years have been an opportunity for me to make my father feel loved, respected and forgiven. It was never easy but it was worth it. Those gifts I was finally able to give were as much for myself, as they were for him. I needed to feel whole, healed of the emptiness and resentment I felt for half a lifetime. Finally, I was able to understand that Father’s Day was not a celebration of parental perfection, it was an opportunity to show love and gratitude to the imperfect.

So that’s it. My final Father’s Day. There will never be another.

23 thoughts on “The final Father’s Day”

  1. Michael, mi son, this was one of the most moving, sincere pieces I have read from your pen. I am so glad you were able to enjoy full resolution, coming to terms, closure, call it what you will. Yes, we parents are never perfect and even when we try our best it just might fall short. Love and blessings and I hope life will continue to be kind.

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  3. Michael, that was such a beautiful piece, written with your usual eloquence. Having been in the wings for much of the time and observing much of what you have written about I am truly happy that you reached that place of forgiveness and healing…. of self. Bless you!

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  5. Stay blessed Michael.
    I am glad you were able to build a meaning relationship with your dad at the end. I also know how you felt about his loss. I guess that’s what this life is all about.

    Stay blessed

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  8. Great piece as usual. I can understand the roller coaster of emotions. But you did well to have made up and made peace with dad. It made him and you, and your corner of the world a better place. You summed it nicely in the last sentences. Be happy; you did right.

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  9. I give you my utmost condolences and heartfelt hugs. “I am so very sorry that you must endure the loss of your dad.Dear Dad, your love is a gift that I treasure more than anything in this world. Your love has been a guiding light in my life, and I am forever grateful for it.
    I love you so much, Dad. Having you as my father is the greatest blessing of my life. I love you more than words can say. Dad, you are my rock, my confidant, and my best friend.Never give up on me.

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  10. Woow and Hummm……I didn’t even know what to think or say after reading.

    It was just oh! Is it Micheal writing or him relating someone else story!

    Just interesting what I call a place of “True emotions” exist for us all.

    But,reflecting on your piece written, and just yesterday posting on my IG page that Father’s Day is a day we celebrate all Father’s no matter who they were for us- wicked, loving,etc.

    We can still wish them Prayers,kind thoughts,etc

    Your piece coming from you I know just a little permit me to say – full of live,travel,accomplishment,your job role,etc And the piece you initially wrote about your Dad.

    It will never have occurred to me you of all the people I know could be writing this. And it reminded me also about when my Father passed away and as a family my mum made us understand that there were no need for tears. But,the need for gratitude for having lived with a Dad for many years plus till he reached 83!

    I didn’t get it clearly then.But wiped the tears,we did supported by a mother’s presence and strength!

    And also added till a classmate called to sympathize with me and said “Lucky you, you knew him till he was 83 for years. I lost my Dad after I was born”! Alot raced through my mind with that comment shared.

    I began to imagine a young child growing without a Dad and hearing others saying lots to do with their Dad, e.g. ” my daddy is coming? My Dad is Powerful, my Dad gave me this and that,etc and much more and wonder how did such a child cope,without a Dad in her life, thinking of mine and lots of memories shared!! Not still seeming enough to go at 83!!!

    And here I was feeling Sad, ungrateful.perhaps and not lucky! Why all this talk sorry Micheal.

    The point perhaps may be different for you. But, in situations that I have experienced that can get emotionally dear and painful for me linked to anyone, not just loved ones.

    I see it helps to THINK about oneself as a “garbage bin” or not perfect if that seems more attractive than garbage at such emotional moments.

    Such that the gaps or weaknesses others may display, that we see or that directly many times affect us don’t weaken or leave a bitter pill in us or emotionally affect us because we come to a mature understanding that we also are not perfect. We also are full of weaknesses, “garbage” at worse. I like to think of the worst.

    So with that image clear in mind. That I am capable or “garbage” if not for Grace, oppourtunities,etc. Then NO HUMAN frailties,weaknesses should surprise me.

    So that we remain just super grateful for all that Life throws our way emotionally,etc because NO DOUBT because of IT ALL!

    We all become what we are at EACH MOMENT and overall now,after it has occurred to us. Whether we EMBRACE it or not. A choice.

    Because if it didn’t occur perhaps certain things we did,or thought or experience. Will just not be so.

    But when we do as inevitable embrace it all. We ALWAYS come to RECOGNISED we turn out BEST because of it too.Especially if we have a mindset that nothing in life happens BY CHANCE.

    It is DI ( Divine intelligence), higher than AI ( Artificial/Human Intelligence).

    And perhaps if we are not atheist or non believers perhaps recognizing it just makes us remain grateful and not tend to want to “fight against or off our natural emotions” ,that just show we are authentic and real to. Normal souls that feel pain, emotions,regrets, neglect,etc. We are human,Not packed! And it’s OKAY. it is just how we accept it that also matters for us to HEAL also naturally and be at peace with self and others.

    And many never had a chance to reconcile. Living that “guilt” also another matter. Of what could have been perhaps due to ego,pride, an unforgiving heart, a lack of gratitude not RECOGNISED…..

    I end and say May he continue to rest in peace and May definitely all Father’s Days to come remind you that you have had many grateful years to know him and reconcile too!

    it is indeed enough matter I say to still “celebrate” many more Father’s Dad ahead🙏. If you choose to do so.

    Thanks for sharing another side of your pen unknown.

    Regards. While I also wait to hear from you. A response to my phone message.

    Thank you.

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  11. Not all are perfect but they are what they are, gifts. A part of who and what we are today, making our story unique and complete.
    So we are grateful for the gift of them.

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  12. Hi Micheal, what a powerful rendition of your relationship with your father. Being a parent is a challenging role, as parents tend to raise their children how they were raised and transfer, in some cases, their issues onto their offspring. I’m glad u were able to acknowledge your father for giving you life and free yourself from the emotional trauma of you and your father’s relationship. Thanks for sharing.

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  13. Once again accept my heartfelt condolences, though they may not be with us, our parent’s impact lives with us and in us our entire lifetime.

    Thank you Michael for sharing yourself in such a transparent way.

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